The Scroll
by Temari of the Desert
Summary: Temari, Gaara, and Kankurou go on a mission to steal The Scroll from Konoha. So, where do Shikamaru and Hinata fit into all this? Chapter 7: Arachnophobia
1. Shikamaru Appearsand Kankurou's Ugliness

Disclaimer- I don't own Naruto. Masashi Kishimoto does.

Summary: Temari, Kankurou, and Gaara go on a mission. Oh yes. A mission. To get The Scroll. And just how is Shikamaru and Hinata involved in all this? Major OOCness on pretty much everyone.

A/N: I took me forever to come up with an idea for a Naruto fic. I knew if I ever wrote one it would be a humor fic because I can't seem to do things right and with humor fics I can bend the truth. #siiiiiiiiiiiiigh#.

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"My students. Go on your own to Konoha and steal The Scroll." Baki said, twirling a baton in his fingers.

"What scroll?" Temari asked.

"The Scroll." Baki rolled his eyes like it was something that she should know.

"What scroll is The Scroll?" Temari asked cluelessly.

"THE SCROLL." Baki yelled. "NOW GO TO KONOHA AND GET IT." With that, he threw his students out the window all the way to the border between Konoha and… something else. (Me: Don't stare at me like that you crazy freaks).

"Any plans?" Kankurou asked.

"Nope." Temari replied.

"No." Gaara stared strait ahead, his eyes shifting to Temari then to Kankurou every now and then.

"Okay… WELL, I HAD COFFEE THIS MORNING!" Kankurou said very suddenly.

"That's nice." Temari said, trying to draw out a plan in her mind.

"No! Really! With lotsa sugar and lotsa milk!" Kankurou said, trying to convince her.

"You… no. I told you not to drink your coffee with sugar and milk again, remember? It makes you hyper." Temari said disapprovingly.

"Yeah! It makes me high!" Kankurou said bouncily.

Temari gave him a look like 'bouncily is actually a word?' "Kankurou. No underage drinking."

"TOO LATE!" Kankurou replied, giving her an empty beer bottle.

"… At least it was only a bottle." Temari mused out loud.

"Just… a BOTTLE?!" He looked at her dumbfounded. "No. It wasn't JUST a bottle!"

Gaara stared at Kankurou for a minute. "Where did you put the other bottles?"

Kankurou thought for a moment. "Under my hood of course, dumbass. Don't you see the EARS?!"

Temari blinked. "Those are beer bottles?"

"No. I didn't say the bottles were the ears. I just asked if you see the ears. God. Don't change the subject." Kankurou said like THEY were changing the subject.

"Whatever. Let's just get this done." Temari said all business-like.

"Hey… Kankurou. Do you have a beer bottle left?" Gaara asked suddenly.

"Yes. ONE LEFT. It is my favorite, but since you're my darling OTOOTO I'll let you drink it." Kankurou answered, giving Gaara the beer bottle.

Gaara stared at the bottle a minute before motioning for Kankurou to come closer.

"What is it, oh darling Otooto?" Kankurou asked.

Gaara took the bottle and smashed it into Kankurou's head.

Temari stared at the bloody Kankurou and the smirking Gaara. "Oh great. Now we have a injured member."

"He's fine." Gaara replied.

"Yeah! It's just ketchup! I keep it under my hood to!" Kankurou said, doing that Scooby Doo tongue thing when he's covered in food.

Temari thought this was getting creepy, so she scolded her younger brother. "No more crazy things. Let's get this stupid mission done."

"Okay! I know the perfect person to help!" Kankurou said. Then he grabbed Sexy Shikamaru. Yes. Sexy. Why? I don't know.

"…" Shikamaru said. But he didn't really say it. He was just 'dot dot dot-ing'.

"This is Nara Shikamaru. He beat that Kin girl in the Chuunin Exam prelims, remember? Then gave up on you, Temari. Remember?!" Kankurou asked hyperly.

"Yeah. I remember." Temari said, rolling her eyes.

"Well! He can help us! Shikamaru, we're looking for The Scroll. Do you know where The Scroll is?" Kankurou asked excitedly.

"The Scroll?" Shikamaru looked at him like he was a total idiot.

"Yes. The Scroll." Kankurou replied eagerly.

"I'm sure Iruka-sensei would just give it to you." Shikamaru said lazily.

"Just give it to us?" Temari asked, surprised.

"Of course. It's only The Scroll, after all." Shikamaru explained like they were so STUPID.

"What IS The Scroll?" Temari asked.

"You don't know? Its too troublesome to explain to you." Shikamaru replied.

"Then, HELP US ON OUR QUEST." Kankurou volunteered Shikamaru happily.

"…" Shikamaru dot-dot-doted.

And so, Kankurou dragged Shikamaru to the Academy like an idiot.

"Wait! Kankurou! Don't just…. Walk in there…" Temari warned a little too late.

"Hey! Irukay or whatever your name is! Can we have The Scroll?!" Kankurou asked, barging in on one of Iruka's classes.

Temari and Gaara watched from outside the door.

"The Scroll? You want THE SCROLL!?" Iruka asked.

Kankurou nodded.

"NEVER! YOU SHALL NEVER HAVE IT!" With that, Iruka abandoned his students to the Sand Nins and flew away. But they really don't FLY. They HOVER. NINJAS HOVER.

"… Kankurou… You scared him away with your ugliness." Temari told him.

"I AM NOT UGLY." Kankurou replied, "ACCORDING TO MRS. LLOYD I AM VERY ATTRACTIVE!"

"I think that was sarcasm." Gaara stated.

"NO. It was not sarcasm! I am a very attractive little boy!" Kankurou hissed.

Then all the students died because of Kankurou's ugliness.

"GODDAMMIT I AM NOT UGLY!" Kankurou shouted.

"Sush. Kankurou. You're disturbing the dead." Temari stated.

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Wooooooooooow. Scream with happiness. R&R.


	2. Female Devils and The Piece

Disclaimer- Masashi Kishimoto owns Naruto.

A/N: Chapter 2. Scream for joy. Oh and as a reminder that I haven't said yet, spoilers are thick. Well, not really, but still spoilers.

Review thank-yous:

Faded-Moon- cough cough I can't say I WASN'T on a hyper roll. cough cough oops did that slip out…? Thanks for your review. It means so much to me!

KaibasShadowGirl- Glad you like!

KageOni1- You mean Kankurou isn't scaring you! ….. no? Are you sure that the OOCness is making it sound stupid? Stupidly funny is okay though.

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"I think we should get out of here…" Temari said reasonably, looking around at all the dead students that were now attracting flies.

"Aha! Sand Nins in Konoha! I should have known that stench!" and two flies turned into Izumo and Kotetsu. If you don't know who they are, you're stupid. 

"Pizza delivery." Izumo said calmly, handing it to Kankurou.

"OH BOY! PIZZA! YAY!" Kankurou grabbed the box, and opened it. And instead of eating it all, sticking it under his hood, or any other weird actions that might have been running through your mind, he tried to take out ONE piece.

But that piece was stuck. "Hey, Temari, come help me get this piece out."

"Just get another." Temari suggested.

But no, Kankurou COULD NOT be satisfied with any other piece. He had to have THAT piece. So he gripped it with both hands, and tried to rip it out with both hands.

"Temari! I can't get it! Heeeeeeeeeeelp me." Kankurou whined.

"No." Temari replied.

"Whyyyyyy?" Kankurou asked.

"It's just a piece of pizza. You could just grab another one." She answered.

"This is troublesome." Shikamaru remarked.

Kankurou continued to rabidly try to get that piece of pizza out.

"…." Izumo and Kotetsu watched Kankurou, dot-dot-doting.

And then, Kankurou got the piece of pizza. He tumbled backwards, hitting Shikamaru, Temari, and Gaara.

"WOW, IZUMO, KOTETSU, YOU ARE GOOD LUCK CHARMS!" Kankurou shouted before he and the group flew away and landed back in the Konoha forest.

"Well, we're back where we started. I hope you're proud of yourself." Temari told Kankurou bitterly.

"I am very proud of myself." Kankurou began, "I HAVE "THAT PIECE"!"

"…." Gaara, Temari, and Shikamaru dot-dot-doted.

"We need to find Iruka again. He took The Scroll away." Temari remarked.

"I have a special ability for sensing dolphins!" Kankurou exclaimed suddenly.

"What?" Temari asked.

"……………………….. I dunno." Kankurou replied shrugging.

"Your troublesome." Shikamaru told Kankurou.

"Very." Agreed Gaara.

"YAY! I'M TROUBLESOME!" Kankurou did the Hokey Pokey.

"That wasn't a compliment." Gaara told him.

"………..wha?" Kankurou paused for a moment. Then he continued to do the Hokey Pokey.

But suddenly, a banana peel grew out of the ground or something, RIGHT IN FRONT OF KANKUROU'S FOOT. Oh boy. What's a poor puppeteer supposed to do?

Trip of course.

So Kankurou barely put his foot on the banana before tripping and falling flat on his face. "Hey, Gaara, there's four of you!" Kankurou said before he got swirly Kenshin eyes.

"……." Gaara dot-dot-doted.

"We need The Scroll. Shikamaru, do you know where to get it?" Temari asked.

"Its too troublesome." Shikamaru said, plopping himself down on the ground, propping his head up with hand and his elbow on the ground.

Then the ground collapsed, and Shikamaru tumbled all the way down to hell.

"Hey. I'm the devil. The old devil died, so now the devil is FEMALE." The devil said. "I like you."

Shikamaru stared at her, wide-eyed. Like OMFG WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU. But since Shikamaru doesn't DO looks like that he just kinda stares at her like 'What the hell are you talking about?'.

Yes. Then the FEMALE devil like molested him or something. But since Shikamaru is like SUPER NINJA and is a Chuunin and everything somehow escaped the clutches of hell and rose to the surface like a zombie. But not.

"This is troublesome." Shikamaru commented.

"WOW! Look, Onee-chan! He's back!" Kankurou hiccuped. Why? I dunno.

"Wow. Enthusiasm." Temari remarked.

"Where'd you go?" Kankurou asked eagerly.

"Troublesome hell." Shikamaru replied. Because now, he cannot say a sentence without saying 'troublesome'.

"Hell. Wooooooooooooooooooooow." Kankurou exclaimed, looking at Shikamaru like he could hug him. All because he went to hell.

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Next chapter will be longer, this one happens to be short because of how busy I've been lately. Enjoy the update.


	3. Motivation

Disclaimer- I do not own Naruto. Kishimoto Masashi does.   
A/N: I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack. And no reviews for chapter 2. Are you like… STONED! Oh wow. Hey. You reviewed! 

Hurricane-rider: I'm glad its funny! I think your review is the best yet.

KageOni1: But is it TOO stupid? I'm getting depressed.

TheSunshineGirls: So you're a Shika fan? Okay then. Glad you like.

The Scroll 

**Chapter 3: Motivation **

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"Shikamaru, you need motivation!" Kankurou told him.

"Motivation is troublesome." Shikamaru replied boredly.

"You think life is pointless?" Kankurou questioned.

"Troublesome, I can't answer that question."

"Why?"

"Because, I never troublesomely said that I think life is pointless so far in the series that the author has read/watched. But for all you know, I could troublesomely think so. You will never know something so troublesome." Shikamaru answered, yawning at the end. And the author is amazed that she got troublesome in every single sentence.

"Huh?" Kankurou stated. He had forgotten the question he had asked, because he was so blown away by Shikamaru's speech. "Unlike Gaara, I don't like to kill people! I like to annoy them!"

"You need to get into a normal state of mind and concentrate on this mission." Temari scolded her younger brother.

"But I don't HAVE a normal state of mind!" Kankurou confessed gleefully.

"…." Temari dot-dot-doted, WITH a sweatdrop.

"Can we continue on?" Gaara asked, annoyed.

Temari and Shikamaru nodded, but Kankurou shook his head. "We need one more member in our group!" With that said he skipped off to find the new member for their group.

Meanwhile, The Kiba/Shino/Hinata team was training. Hinata was practicing her techniques for the next battle. But suddenly, the peace was disturbed by Kankurou appearing, grabbing Hinata, and taking her back to the group.

"Meet the new member." Kankurou said proudly. Hinata brought her finger up to her lip and looked shyly at the group before her.

"Who… or WHAT is that?" Gaara demanded.

"It's a Hyuuga. A Hyuuga Hinata." Kankurou said, sticking out his tongue at Gaara.

"Shikamaru…" Hinata said shyly.

"Yeah?" Shikamaru asked lazily. Why lazily? Because. He's always lazy, lazy, lazy, lazy, lazily.

"I WANT YOUR JACKET!" Hinata half screamed, half-yelled, and half-growled. And technically, that's incorrect. But whatever. It works.

Shikamaru stared at her as Hinata's face shrunk down to normal. Hahahahaha. Shrunk. Now Shikamaru was like' what the hell? I don't belong here! I'm normal!'

Kankurou smiled, and danced like Mr. Robin.

Temari sighed, she thought herself to be the only one sane. Why! Because she can't notice Shikamaru's saneness. Why! Because she needs to believe that she's the only sane one! Why! Because I said so!

"The Scroll…" Gaara muttered insanely. By insanely I mean… LIKE A PSYCHO MANIAC. How you can mutter like a psycho maniac is beyond me. But I don't care right now.

"We need to find The Scroll." Temari insisted.

"Oh yeah! Hyuuga Hinata, do you know where The Scroll is?" Kankurou asked.

Hinata sputtered like she had rabies, and began to foam at the mouth but answered with a shy, "No." (And I know what you're thinking. How can you sputter, foam, and answer shyly "No" at the same time? Who knows. She's a Hyuuga. Like that really has to do with anything.)

"Eww. Rabies." Kankurou mumbled.

Hinata sputtered angrily at Kankurou, and then suddenly she stopped sputtering, and all the foam disappeared and she returned to her normal self.

"I need a vacation." Temari sighed.

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And THAT is the new chapter. Feel happy. And dance like Mr. Robin. R&R


	4. ANBU and a 'Schoolgirl'

Disclaimer- Yeah. I'm really Kishimoto Masashi in disguise. I'm kidding. I don't own Naruto!

A/N: Woohoo. Chapter 4 is here.

Alex- Hello. You reviewed. Yaaaaaaay. I talk you a lot, so I don't need to talk to you here.

OspreyAnimeG- Glad you like.

KageOni1- You'll see…. #smirks evilly#

LordLans: Glad you liked.

TheSunshineGirls- Why thank you.

**The Scroll **

**Chapter 4: **

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"We need a plan." Temari concluded, looking at the village of Konohakagure (I bet I spelled that wrong. I always spell things wrong. XD)

"I have one!" Kankurou claimed, giving Temari a military solute like Roy Mustang. Even if Roy Mustang solutes like every single person in the whole world. Oh well.

"Oh great. Let's hear it." Temari said with a sigh.

"Well we could attack Irukay directly!" Kankurou said intelligently.

"That wouldn't be as stupid sounding if we actually knew where Iruka was at." Temari snapped.

"Why don't we ask that kid?" Kankurou suggested, pointing at Lee who was conveniently marching up the path towards them.

Gaara's eye twitched at the sight of Lee, and kept twitching. All because Lee existed within his eyesight.

Temari had nothing to say, but she wondered how come a Leaf Nin was conveniently placed for interrogation.

Kankurou strode towards Lee, a friendly smile upon his face, "Hello Mr. Thick Brows."

Lee burst into tears, "Everyone teases me for my eyebrows!" he squealed and ran away.

And Gaara's eye stopped twitching.

"That was troublesome." Shikamaru stated, as Hinata nodded in agreement, growling like a ferocious beast.

The group stared at Hinata for a few moments, then Temari cleared her throat and said, "Well, that was pointless."

"Yeah." Kankurou agreed before turning towards the village, and running towards it flailing his arms wildly.

"Wait Kankurou!" Temari called, but it was too late. Kankurou was too far to hear her. With a sigh, she started out after him, and the rest of the group followed her.

When they came close to the village, they noticed some ANBU. The ANBU were staring strait at them and doing nothing at all.

Temari, Kankurou, Gaara, Hinata, and Shikamaru approached the ANBU cautiously.

"Aren't you supposed to be attacking us or something?" Kankurou asked.

"We don't really care." Responded one. "You can go through…or whatever. Yeah."

"But…" Temari began, before deciding this was too convenient to argue. She walked into the village, and the ANBU watched her, doing nothing. The other members of the group followed Temari soon after, eyeing the ANBU suspiciously. Of course, Hinata and Shikamaru weren't. You'd have to wonder what they had done if they had been.

"Ano-sa, Ano-sa! Shikamaru, Hinata! What are they doing here!" Naruto asked, pointing to the three Suna Nin.

Hinata blushed, and shrunk down to chibi size. Shikamaru shrugged lazily with his hands stuffed in his pockets.

"You hypnotized them. They can't talk!" Naruto exclaimed, "You're gonna make them do your dirty work!" And so Naruto went into this big rant about Temari, Gaara, and Kankurou using Shikamaru and Hinata to take over Konoha.

At this point, Gaara and Temari were like wtf. Kankurou was plain clueless, Hinata was… err… chibified, and Shikamaru was just lazy.

"And why would we do that?" Temari pointed out, "If you really think about it, we'd need more than five ninjas to take over a whole village."

Instead of making things better, which is what I believe Temari was trying to do this just made it worse. "Your gonna raise a whole army!" Naruto accused.

Now things were just getting stupid. Temari got sick of listening to Naruto, so she kicked him away, and continued on down the street like nothing happened.

And for the sake of Hinata being Hinata, she says this as she passes by a knocked out Naruto: "Na-na-Naruto-kun…"

Temari, Gaara, Kankurou, Shikamaru, and Hinata walked through the village…not happily…but not unhappily either. With dead silence between them. That is, until Hinata started making odd noises. But that's beside the point.

When they thought all hope was lost- but not really- they saw Iruka just ahead. He was skipping like a schoolgirl with a happy face as an ice cream cone was in one hand, and The Scroll was clutched in the other.

"IRUKAY." Kankurou said happily as if meeting an old friend. He ran up to him, spun him around, and grinned.

"AHHH. SUNA NIN IN THE VILLAGE." Iruka squealed, kicked Kankurou in the face.

Kankurou fell to the ground, out cold.

"Iruka, give us The Scroll!" Temari said in an attempt to be dramatic.

"Neeeeeeeeeeeveeeeeeeeeeer!" Iruka hissed, throwing the ice cream cone to the side, which happened to smack a knocked out Kankurou in face. But that's okay.

Shikamaru sweatdropped at Iruka's protectiveness of The Scroll, "Its too troublesome, Iruka-sensei, just give The Scroll to them."

"Shikamaru! You have betrayed me for these fools!" Iruka asked all dramatic-like.

Shikamaru shrugged. "This argument is too troublesome."

Iruka's jaw dropped to the ground, and he made an offended face and kawarimi-ed away.

"Not again." Temari groaned, rubbing her head.

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Sorry for the late update. BUT, better late then never, right? ……….RIGHT!


	5. Females are Innocent and Unguilty

Disclaimer- …………….. That is my disclaimer.

The Scroll 

**Chapter 5: Girls are Innocent and Unguilty **

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"Idiot! This was your fault!" Temari accused Kankurou.

"How is it my fault?" He looked offended. "Its THAT leafhead's fault." He pointed to Shikamaru.

"….." Shikamaru dot-dot-dot-ed.

"How?"

"Well… He's a leaf nin, which automatically qualifies him to be guilty! And LOOK AT HIS FACE. It is the center of all guiltiness! I mean LOOK AT IT. LOOK AT IT DAMMIT." Kankurou explained.

"…But she's a leaf Nin to." Temari pointed to Hinata. Hinata, in response, foamed at the mouth.

"…But she's A FEMALE."

"…That was so sexist its not even funny." Gaara muttered.

"Females are INNOCENT… and UNGUILTY. But LOOK AT HIS FUCKING FACE." Kankurou once again pointed at Shikamaru, "LOOK AT HIS DIRTY, MORPHED, UNKINDLY, GUILT TWISTED FACE."

"…That made no sense whatsoever." Gaara mumbled under his breath.

Shikamaru at this point was like wtf at Kankurou. But then again, at this point, anybody who is NORMAL…would be like wtf at Kankurou.

"…yeah so anyway, we need to make a plan." Temari kneeled down on one knee, as did Gaara, Hinata, and Shikamaru.

"Dudewtf this isn't SOCCER. We shouldn't need to talk on one knee I mean come o—" Temari pulled him down by…his ears. His ears that don't exist. So she pulled him down by the kitty ears that he got us mixed up in the fist chapter and made everyone believe they were beer bottles.

BUT ANYWAY…. Back to the fic.

"We need to find that stupid academy teacher." Temari pointed out; "He has to know where The Scroll is."

"We're just assuming that." Gaara pointed out, "What if someone pointless like…. KURENAI has it? I mean come on, look at it realistically."

"Don't worry troublesomely, Iruka has it." Shikamaru assured lazily.

"That is where my crazy Dolphin sensing senses come in, right!" He closed his eyes and hummed like he was mediating.

…wtf.

"I sense that the Dolphin is at the ramen stand."

"…It's better than nothing." Temari pushed up from her knee, and headed towards the ramen stand.

"You will never get The Scroll!" Iruka shouted and pointed at them dramatically. Insert dramatic heroic music here.

"Look just give us The Scroll and we'll be out of your way." Temari couldn't believe they had hired an academy teacher to protect it. AN ACADEMY TEACHER. Maybe Jounins/ANBU were overrated or something.

"Nevar" Iruka danced away.

"CHASE THAT DANCING DOLPHIN." And so they chased.

And Iruka ran.

"Hey I think Dancing with Dolphins is a book." Kankurou commented.

"I think it's called Dancing with Wolves, idiot." Gaara hissed.

And Iruka joined in this argument, "It SHOULD be dancing with Dolphins. Wolves are so overrated, with their fur and claws."

"Wolves are more powerful creatures." Gaara protested.

"Dolphins are artistic creatures, and very social." Iruka informed.

"Dolphins have gang rape too. : D" Kankurou said, giving everyone a little too much information.

Hinata foamed, and tackled Iruka. Kankurou followed in a tow, calling out, "DOG PILE." And every kid in a five-mile radius of that spot all piled on top of Iruka.

And Iruka suffocated. But nobody cares cuz its IRUKA come on.

Temari pried The Scroll from Iruka's cold, dead fingers. Wait, he hasn't been dead long enough to be stiff and cold? Shut up.

But just as they were going to walk away, Iruka's soul with wings and halo included, swooped down and grasped The Scroll in his talons. What talons you ask? …shut up.

Now they were dealing with a ghost.

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A/N: …I have a feeling I'm going to get flamed for killing Iruka.

Review.


	6. The Sky is Falling! Shikamaru's Insanity

The Scroll Chapter 6: The Sky is falling! 

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Ghosts annoyed Shikamaru more than anything else did. Simply because ghosts could not be logically explained. And Shikamaru hated ANYTHING that could not be logically explained.

So he twitched. And twitched. And twitched until he went epileptic. But then he stopped. And the author is amazed at what she's about to do.

"GIVE THEM THE F?CKING SCROLL!"

Shikamaru used the Caps lock. And the shift to make the exclamation point. Oh. My. God. The sky must be falling.

Whoa look the sky really IS falling.

Made you look.

But in Ninja Land, the sky really WAS falling. But nobody wants to point that out and be sent to the funny house. So they ignore it.

And it comes crashing down, squishing our 'heroes'.

"So yummy." And Kankurou ate it all. "Tastes like cotton candy."

"Is it just me… or did Kankurou just eat the sky…?" Gaara questioned, staring at Kankurou.

"…It seems so." Temari answered, a bit unsure herself.

"But the sky is like… yeah."

"…Yeah."

"…."

"Do not fear! Underdog is here! I mean… do not distress! Do not slit your wrists! I will draw a NEW sky! A better sky! A purple pokka-doted sky!" Kankurou shouted in a superhero voice.

Oh no.

Never let a sugar high puppeteer draw a purple pokka-doted sky.

"I will use Crayola Washable Markers." And so, the sugar high puppeteer used Crayola Washable Markers to draw/color a new sky.

A purple pokka-doted sky.

Iruka was very unpleased with this. "You will never get The Scroll because you drew the most HORRIBE sky I've ever seen." And Iruka ruffled his white gown that comes with being a haunting ghost and all, and floated away.

"…Great. We just failed again." Temari groaned.

"Look on the bright side! We have a new, prettier sky to look at!"

The sky gave everyone extreme headaches.

"P-perhaps we could ask I-Izumo-san and K-Kotetsu-san if they know how to make I-Iruka-s-sensei give us The Scroll." Hinata stuttered, surprisingly, not foaming at the mouth rabidly.

"Nah, my good luck charms aren't good for finding dolphins. But you know what sucks…?" Kankurou questioned.

"…." Temari dot-dot-doted.

"…." Gaara dot-dot-doted.

"…." Shikamaru dot dot-doted.

"…." Hinata dot-dot-doted.

"…My Super Special Super Gorgeous Dolphin Sensing Senses aren't good for sensing **dead **dolphins." He made a sad face.

Wtf. How are senses 'super gorgeous'? Don't ask me.

"Let's play that game that the author played on the way to Lopez Island!" Kankurou exclaimed giddily.

"…what?" Temari questioned, rolling her eyes.

"Hey Gaara!" Kankurou said eagerly.

"Hey what?"

"Hey Gaara."

"…..Hey what?"

"Show us how you Bungaloo!"

"Bunga—what?"

"Bungaloo!"

"My hands are high my feet are low, and SABAKUNO KYUU, this is how I Bungaloo." As he said 'SABAKUNO KYUU' he sabakuno kyuu'd a passing by Iruka that was alive again. But not anymore. Cuz he was sabakuno kyuu'd.

"His hands are high, his feet are low, and SABAKUNO KYUU is how he Bungaloo-s." Kankurou said almost in a chant, "Hey Temari!"

"Hey what?" She couldn't believe she was about to play this game.

"Hey Temari!"

"Hey what?"

"Show us how you Bungaloo!"

"Bunga what?"

"Bungaloo!"

"My hands are high my feet are low," The slammed her fan in the side of Kankurou's face, "This is how I Bungaloo."

Kankurou was now supporting a bruised head. But you can't see that because of the heavy makeup he wears. Kankurou's a transvestite. Or just a woman. A really…ugly woman that looks like a man.

But off from the subject of transvestites and manly women—I mean womanly men—or unisex. Whatever. ANYWAY, the point is, this silly game was getting them nowhere, and they still had a dead Iruka to find. But if they hadn't been so distracted by their game, they WOULD have noticed that Gaara had sabakuno kyuu'd Iruka. But no.

Hinata foamed rabidly because she hadn't got her turn. But nobody cares. Nobody cares about Hinata. So she cried a river. Literally. Now there was this large river running through Konohagakure. But nobody cares. Which makes Hinata cry a fork in the river, so it slides off to Oto and drowns all the Oto Nins and brings back Sasuke in the current. Mmm. Sasuke.

Hinata felt unloved. Hinata felt unappreciated. Hinata felt underestimated. She went silent. Dangerously silent. Then she went on a killing spree of Konoha that wiped everything out EXCEPT the actual people. So it's not a killing spree. More like a destructive spree.

"…. What the hell?" Temari didn't even want to know what brought THAT on.

Kankurou got hearts in his eyes, "Hinata! You are brilliant!"

Hinata got sparkly eyed, "Oh thank you, Kankurou-san!"

And Shikamaru went insane. He jumped off a cliff only to be reincarnated and placed back in his spot. "You're all troublesomely crazy. Crazy, troublesome."

"Troublesome or crazy, make up your goddamn mind, woman." Kankurou hissed at Shikamaru.

"…Kankurou, Shikamaru's a man."

"What! You mean I didn't know that the WHOLE time?" Kankurou looked shocked, "Oh. My. God. Shikamaru's a man, and he never attempted the Manliness Test."

"Manliness Test?"

"Yes. You have to bite off the head of a herring and swallow it raw or keep a crab on your finger for 20 seconds. You HAVE to do one."

Shikamaru chose the crab.

He sucked.

"HOLYSHITWTFOWWF?CKSHITCRAPF?CKWTFSHIT."

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A/N: Doesn't this make you warm and fuzzy on the inside?

**Bungaloo- **that was a game I played on the way to Lopez Island.

**Manliness Test- **A boy I know had to do that. He chose the crab, I think.

**Crayola Washable Markers- **Washable markers from the brand Crayola. I do not own.

Underdog- an old cartoon about a super dog named Underdog. His 'superhero' call is "Have no fear! Underdog is here!" I do not own. 

**Izumo and Kotetsu- **Kankurou's good luck charms. This was established in chapter 2.

**Super Special Super Gorgeous Dolphin Sensing Senses- **(SSSGDSS) Kankurou's Iruka tracking senses.

**Ninja Land- **Suna, Konoha, all the villages. Yep, yep.


	7. Arachnophobia

Thanks all who reviewed. I am lazy.

Disclaimer- Yeah sure I don't own Naruto. Masashi Kishimoto is my god.

Um…I also want to apologize now for any material in this story you may find offensive. Everything is meant to be funny, and nothing is said in a serious way.

The Scroll 

**Chapter 7: Arachnophobia  
**

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So Konohagakure was rebuilt instantly because this wouldn't be any fun with a Konoha to destroy with rivers and shy girls on destructive sprees.

Our heroes blinked in unison as the village was just suddenly there in front of their eyes. This was stupid. This whole mission was a complete waste of time. This whole mission was taking away the last of their remaining sanity.

Sanity?

I don't think that exists anymore.

"Y'know… Haku should have been a woman. I mean, it's SEXIST. There was like…no good females in that saga." Kankurou mused.

"What are you talking about?" Temari snapped.

"Oh. Yeah. I'm not supposed to know about that."

"You need a counselor." Temari hissed at her fourteen-year-old brother.

"…" There was a long silence between the older sister and the younger brother until…

"Y'know WHAT Temari? I'm going to TRANSFORM!" And so he did so, complete with shoujo bubbles, sparkles, and dramatic music that could be mistaken for elevator music.

And so, Kankurou was before them in a Winnie the Pooh costume. Kankurou did a Koyuki face AS IF YOU ACTUALLY KNOW WHO KOYUKI IS. But to put it simply, it's like a cat mouth. And then he made a 'rewr' noise.

Temari stared at Kankurou, slapped him over the side of the head and turned away. That just made Kankurou go all angst and flop over on his side like lil Kururu because he just got DENIED.

That's when he realized something. This Winnie the Pooh costume didn't have a zipper on it. So he was like 'WTF' at it, and tugged cutely on the neck area of his costume—well, it would have been cute if it was ANYONE OTHER THAN KANKUROU.

That's when Kankurou decided that he was going to be scared of spiders. Mmm, arachnophobia.

So that's when God (not Masashi Kishimoto) decides that tarantulas are actually native to Konoha! Oh no, Kankurou dear, run!

So Kankurou was suddenly attacked by an angry mob of tarantulas that crawled all over him (A/N::trauma switch: ) which caused Kankurou to go into involuntary spasms, and then eventually

K.O!

Which gave him swirly eyes and made him drool all over the ground which was covered in the bloody masses that was the angry mob of tarantulas.

"…damn, that's about time…" Gaara mumbled under his breath, "Hey." He went chibi and tugged on Temari's skirt, which actually gave him a good pantyshot, but Gaara isn't incestual. Incestual is better than incestuous.

-Break-

Dictionary: "You're all DUMB. Incest means 'sex between siblings'. Not LOVE between siblings. Do it right."

-End of Break-

So anyway before we got into the incestual, incestuous…thing, Gaara pulled on Temari's skirt and looked up at her, "Can we leave him…please?"

Shikamaru stared at Temari because there was a mention of 'incest' behind the scenes. And we all know Shikamaru LOVES Temari.

"No."

"I didn't ask."

"Still, no."

"…" And so Shikamaru went all emo and jumped off a cliff only to be reincarnated for the second time and placed back in his spot.

And through this whole time, Hinata was foaming rabidly at the mouth.

Kankurou was suddenly awake because his SSSGDSS (Super Special Super Gorgeous Dolphin Sensing Senses) were tingling! Oh no!

Iruka was back. Alive, again. A god complex, I tell you. But this time he was PISSED.

More pissed than ever. Even when Konohamaru misbehaves.

No. This time, he was PISSED.

And Kankurou giggles at the use of the word 'pissed' because that's also a word for 'going tinkle', to put it simply. But Kankurou is just that immature and just stupid enough to poke the pissed dolphin.

And Iruka explodes in a flash of a thousand colors and curses Kankurou in every known language on the planet including Latin and the language of the Mermaids.

As it turns out, Tenten got bit by a mermaid while swimming an ocean once.

Bitch.

Serves her right for swimming in an ocean.

Dumbass.

Kankurou stared up at the flashing sky of multi-colors and languages, and blinked. Twice. "Y'know what I've always wanted to do…?"

"No, I don't." Temari sighed, as she waited for Kankurou's explanation.

"I've ALWAYS wanted to stuff kittens in a bag, tie it and throw it in a rushing river. Y'know, like they do in movies and cartoons. But people find that OFFENSIVE! How is that OFFENSIVE? Nee-chan, I don't get it. ;-;." Kankurou whined.

Temari slapped her brother up side the head, "You idiot. That's animal abuse. And don't whine to me."

"But…but…you're nee-chan." Kankurou whined.

Temari growled, and grabbed everyone by the sleeve and dragged them to the Ninja Academy. She threw them all through the doors, and strode into the classroom. Iruka pointed at her dramatically and prepared to run towards her in an all-out drama scene.

But no.

Y'know what Temari did?

She slapped him in the face and took the scroll out of his hands.

And walked away.

As she left, Iruka crackled evilly. Oh no, Temari didn't have the real scroll. What she had was his shopping list.

"…eggs, milk, ramen, toast…?"

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A/N: Aaaah! Here we go.

References:

**Koyuki – **From Keroro Gunsou, do not own.

**Lil Kururu/Kururu – **From Keroro Gunsou, still don't own.  
**Winnie the Pooh -** …If I owned this, I'd be filthy rich. I don't think there's a person in America who hasn't heard of it.


End file.
